True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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