God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
