I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
