Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
