My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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