Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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