Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
