just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
