Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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