I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just had sex on a roof
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
