There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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