I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
