I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
