your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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