i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
