Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
