I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
