I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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