Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
