He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
