i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
