I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
