dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
