We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
