Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
