Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
