What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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