A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
