i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
