I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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