we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
