I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
