your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
