She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
