i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
