glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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