I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
