Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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