Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
