He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
