nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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