You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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