when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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