I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
