yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
