MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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