Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
