I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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