I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
