Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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