we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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