6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
